Same old useless shit
a text about transcendence
By Jes Brinch 1995
Preface
In the subsequent text I will discuss transcendence. Transcendence means to go or be beyond or outside the range of human experience, reason, belief, powers of description, etc. This word is picked in lack of better, and will in this context hint to transcendence of the antagonism between good and evil, inside and outside, subject and object, and more specific to transcendence of concepts. In short transcendence of thoughts and the rules that govern the way one thinks. The text is not an objective exposition, but treats transcendence form my own subjective point of view. It is written to give anyone interested an insight into my way of thinking and general outlook.
One of the fundamental psychological conflicts inherent in human existence is the antagonism between subject and object. I am talking about the opposition between I and the world, thought and the one thinking, and not least that one to attributes concrete existence to both thought and the one thinking. The antagonism between good and evil, inside and outside, subject and object is learned from early childhood through upbringing and education, for instance by identification with language, concepts, rules and distinctions. The individual is taught to project a system of value on his/her own original experience. By interpreting the direct experience according to this system, and by identifying oneself with it, a conception of reality and a self is formed. This self apparently replace the original awareness, as well as the conception of reality replace the experience of things as they are.
This is described by Ronald D. Laing in The Politics of the Family and Other Essays, Tavistock:
The following are a few allusions to some seemingly "natural" features of contemporary experience, acquired when we are very young.
We construe the given in terms of distinctions, according to rules. We perform operations on our experience, in order to comply with the rules. By these operations, according to rules, in terms of the distinctions, a product is generated.
We make distinctions, but are not born with the distinctions we make ready made.
I suppose there to be a set of primitive distinctions in terms of which we construe what presents itself, and our first
differentiated experiences to be the first product of our most primitive constructions and the virgin given. This product subsequently appears to be given. Compared to our adult experience, this "original" experience is "virginal" or innocent. Any experience wherein the given is distinguished in any way, is not innocent and not given, though it may seem to be. We are free to apply our terms in different ways, but our set of terms is as determined for us as the phonemes (sound units) of our language.
I suppose such distinctions to be acquired, and acquired early.
A set of primitive distinctions are formed.
Rules govern the formation of this set and the operations performed on this set.
I guess that by one year from birth the following distinctions, among others, have come to be made:
1. inside and outside
2. pleasure and pain, pleasant-unpleasant
3. real and not-real
4. good and bad
5. me and not-me
6. here and there
7. then and now.
For present purposes it is immaterial at what age these distinctions have been made: or even what the distinctions are.
Some distinctions come to be made, somehow or other, some time or other: these distinctions did not exist in the first place. With these distinctions, we work upon the prima materia of the given. Our experience is a product, formed according to a recipe, a set of rules for what distinctions to make, when, where, on what. Rules are themselves distinctions in action. Operations between distinctions already constructed are carried out continually according to further rules.
In short what is experienced as reality is not reality itself but a learned conception of reality.
Real health in some way involves a dissolution of the normal I, the false self, which is suitably adapted to our alienated social reality.
Ronald D. Laing, same.
There exists numerous examples of people, in different cultures, religious traditions, psychological systems, philosophical schools and magical orders, in different times and places, who has tried to dissolve their normal ego, and experience directly without concepts. These people has practised something that roughly can be categorised as meditation. But since this is not a historical exposition, I will try to keep a direct approach to the subject by giving some concrete examples from my own experience, based on experiments I have done now and then during a couple of years.
I have tried to sit cross-legged (half or full lotus position), for example on the floor, relax body and mind, trying to leave my thoughts alone and simply observe. It is an advantage to keep the back straight, since the body is more relaxed in this way without becoming drowsy. It is good to start by breathing deep and calm, since calm breathing naturally makes the mind at ease. And what happens then ? Not that much. One becomes a little bit more calm after sitting for awhile, maybe 20 to 30 minutes, but one does not necessarily stop to think. In my experience it seems like thinking is a natural process. Thoughts keeps coming, whether one wants to think or not, no matter what one does to the thoughts. Therefore one might as well leave them, not following, judging or evaluating them, just letting them arise, be, and disappear without interfering. If one does not follow thoughts the experience becomes very indefinite; it seems as they do not really exist and yet they keep coming, not really being anywhere, without one being able say where they came from, where they are, or where they go.
In this way thoughts arise in a different way, or one's relationship to them are at least another; thoughts are allowed to be in their own space and do not have to be used for something, do not have to produce any results. They are allowed to be in their own nature.
And if one continues this way without thinking of oneself as subject, "I am sitting here observing my thoughts", but instead realeases one's definition of oneself, which is in fact nothing but a thought, then there is no longer any difference between subject and object, between the one that thinks and thoughts, the one observing and that which is observed, everything is permitted to be as it is.
And what is achieved by that ? Not a thing. To gain "something" from something else is a thought, that "somebody" is achieving something is a thought, and the thoughts are released, they have run off, they are in their own dimension where they are completly useless and carefree. Therefore there is nothing to gain from it. But as a side effect one becomes more relaxed, view things from a different angle where one thing does not conflict with another, and one loosens the belief in concepts, definitions and words and understands that one's conceptions of what oneself is, what reality is, is nothing but conceptions and habitual thinking. One does not cling so much to thoughts. In this way a possibility to see things from other perspectives than the conceptual one can arise; a non-conceptual point of view.
There are other kinds of experience than "I am me that percieves things in this and that way". A lot of other perspectives that is beyond conceptual definitions. Where it is not necessarily possible to distinguish oneself from the surroundings, from the floor carpet, where "one" is not really anywhere, neither here, there or in between.
This is a radically different experience from the one that one is taught to have. It is not of any benefit in itself, it can not be used, since there is not "somebody" that can use "something" for anything at all. The experience is not concrete and does not fit into the limits of language.
The experience of transcendence of subject and object has its real value as a contrast to the way that one is normally experiencing. It gives room to a lot of things normally repressed by the rational mind; the dream, fantasy, vision, and other useless things.
I have been trying to go beyond concepts and habitual thinking in the above ways. My practice have been highly irregular; I am quite lazy by nature and have for some reason beyond my comprehension a hard time pulling myself together. Even though, I have kept a record of my experiences from May 1994, in case I wanted to write something on the subject. The following is some quotes from the book mentioned:
Friday. May 27. 1994. 23.05 > 23.50.
Slightly cold and lazy. Expected bad results. Sitting session without form. In the beginning much judgement and evaluation. Very slowly the problems dissolved by themselves, after approximately 30 minutes. I struck me that it is exactly this, my own mind, with all the usual crap and shit that I have to understand, release, let be or whatever you call it. It is this familiar mind, not some constructed idea of a pure, realised and non-conceptual mind, which is the fundament. I think that I have to practise for longer periods to get anywhere, i.e. more than 30 minutes. Check later.
Sitting session indicates sitting cross-legged and gazing into space. Without form means that one is not trying to meditate on something, or to concentrating on anything as for example not to think. That I noted that I had to base the practice on my own mind, indicates that I had some kind of constructed idea of what to do and what kind of result would come from that. In addition I noticed that it took me about 30 minutes to relax, what later proved to be more or less general for me.
Saturday. May 28. 1994. 18.00 > 18.35.
Slightly restless, because of coffee. Almost well, only a little cold. I have a tendency to sort my thoughts and to try to create a concept-free state. After approximately 20. minutes it bettered. Were about to stop after 25 minutes but stretched a little and continued, then I gave up the idea of meditating and did not try to achieve one single shit. Became almost paralysed mentally and quite baffled. Lost it all again after a couple of minutes. Did not feel like practising anymore.
I am very sensitive to caffeine and easily becomes restless if I drink to much coffee, what of course influences the mind. I describe that I sorted my thoughts and tried to create a non-conceptual state. This shows that I had a concept of what a non-conceptual state is and therefore tried to think according to this concept, what of course is not possible. It took awhile to relax, but then I succeeded more or less in letting go of my idea of how it should be. This resulted in a kind of concept-free state, which maybe was a little forced, at least I found it unpleasant. In this connection I read a Tibetan Buddhist manual of meditation by Lama Shabkar, Tsogdruk Rangdrol called "The flight of the Garuda", Rangjung Yeshe Publications 1986, from which I wrote down the following quote with my own commentary :
"It is sufficient to rest freely in non-action. How can you say you can't do it ?"
- Anyway I will pose the silly question - how do you do that ?
But my confusion did not decrease as the following will show :
Sunday. May 29. 1994. 01.45 > 02.45.
Short practise before bedtime. Total mess and confusion. Really lousy practice with too big expectations and no results. Total disillusion. Chaos, constructions and inner dialogue with myself telling myself what to do. "Relax, let go" Piss and shit. What the fuck is wrong ? I am so tired of reading that everything is so simple and then experiencing that it is very complicated and almost impossible.
One can ruin everything for oneself by having pre-constructed ideas and expectations. And there is a big difference between letting the thoughts go and telling oneself to let them go. And it can be frustrating to read meditation manuals by Buddhist masters if one is not able to refrain from comparing oneself to them. When the practice is like that it is sometimes best to stop. But I did not :
Same evening 03.00 > 03.15.
Tried again after having written the above. Became a little bit more calm and had a very strong self-consciousness. Were quite aggressive and irritable, but allowed myself to be it. I think I have to take care not to program myself to think meditatively, but instead face myself as I am.
And maybe it was good that I continued, at least I discovered what was wrong; I tried to repress my emotions and to program myself, instead of letting the emotions be what they were and feel them. Again there is the recurring tendency to try to be something else and change things.
Monday. June 6. 1994. 23.15 > 24.00.
Very relaxed and calm. Close to transcend subject and object, mind and thoughts. Stuck on a minimal analysis and a slight feeling of minority. Why can't I practice the instructions I have got ? Why don't I practice more ? And why do I keep on bringing myself down in this way ? During the practise I had a lot of childhood memories from I was about 10 years old. All in all the best practice I have had for a long time.
This note shows that it is hard to let completely go of one's thoughts and oneself, one easily clings to a small remnant of ego that is analysing the situation. Thereafter I disclose that I have received Tibetan Buddhist meditation instructions, which is my original source of inspiration for starting this project. And when I am at it I might as well give away the great secret: the essence of all the meditation instructions I have received is this: let the mind be as it is and do not judge thoughts. Liberate thoughts by letting them arise, be and cease, without judgement. This is called self-liberation. Later I describe how I once again compared myself to texts by Tibetan masters which I could not rival at all. I thereby stimulated my fundamental minority complex. In the end I mention childhood memories. If one is letting the mind relax one can sometimes have memories one considered forgotten or repressed. I think this is because the factor that represses everything that is irrelevant to the rational mind also relaxes and therefore permits things that are normally not allowed to come forth.
Continued practice from 00.35 > 00.55.
Everything was allowed to be at the same time, without conflict. Thoughts speeded away, not disturbing, I did not get caught in them. Everything arose and disappeared by itself without conflict. Very happy and clear, finally good practice.
The text speaks for itself. To let the thoughts go were in this instance experienced as very dynamic, almost as if they gained more speed.
Tuesday. June 7. 1994. 13.50 > 14.10.
Have become even more relaxed and feels generally good. I had a lot of thoughts which did not disturb, but was not completely transcended or integrated with awareness. Had an experience that it suddenly was like I was as much present out in front of myself as inside myself. As if I was present in a thought hanging in the space in front of me, as a kind of visual disturbance. An experience I have had before, when the practice was almost succeeding. Unfortunately I have to leave, so that is it for now.
If one lets the body and mind relax the physical energy calms down. This can give rise to a kind of shimmering before the eyes, which can distract a bit, but otherwise is without importance. Then I note an experience of being unable to distinguish exterior and interior space. This is a side effect of letting the thoughts be and give up conceptual control. I think the difference between outside and inside is experienced because one is maintaining a kind of constant conceptual division. If one releases this control there is not experienced any difference.
Wednesday. July 8. 1994 03.45 > 04.00.
Rather short but quite good practice. Read some pages in "The flight of the Garuda" again and used some of the instructions from it. As for instance, when one starts to analyse or think, then to observe who it is that is analysing, who it is that is thinking. Immediately both the thinker and the thought disappears, as well as the difference between them and nothing distracts anymore.
In this case it was a help to read a meditation instruction from the same book as earlier. Sometimes one can learn from other people's experiences. Other times one is to stupid for that.
Sunday. July 3. 1994. 20.40 > 21.20.
Have not practised in 4 weeks because of Burn out / Art in City etc. Had a fair practice though, which started by being a kind of very relaxing relaxation. After about 30. minutes it started to have an effect and everything seemed to be without substance. My thoughts did not disturb. In the beginning I thought a lot about what I have done lately, what is natural, since it is a long time since I have practised. Did not censor the flow of thoughts, but left them alone, let the thoughts think themselves. The conclusion must be that I am out of it.
A side effect from meditation is that one becomes less stressed and a little bit more relaxed, whether it is a successful practice or not.
Wednesday. August 31. 1994. 14.25 > 14.45.
Short informal practise. Let the mind be as it is. Quite successful in letting the thoughts be. A little restless though. Have to leave soon, but I am going to continue as long as possible.
This note speaks for itself, and is moreover a good example completely normal, short and not particularly successful meditation.
Thursday. September 1. 1994. 00.10 > 01.40.
Practice without form. Sat and looked. Tried not to change anything. Had a lot of thoughts that were connected in series of associations. This is probably because I have been working for some hours. Felt good though. The practice was a refreshing experience, even though I did not go beyond my thoughts and the one thinking and maybe was slightly distracted. I think it is best not to expect results, since the expectation/notion of a result is relative/conceptual. This documentation of my practice causes a bit materialistic expectation; "I better get some good experiences so I can be use them later". Piss.
A recurring problem of my practice is the expectation of achieving or experiencing something. But to try to attain something is an obstacle, as I have shown systematically through these notes. The text disclose a hidden self-consciousness, a consciousness that these notes are made to show others. This is a kind of spiritual boasting.
Thursday. September 8. 1994. 24.15 > 01.00.
Sat in 20 minutes and tried to meditate. Gave up and stretched myself a little, to give up the idea of meditating. Tried to sit and relax, the way I do when I relax by myself without effort. Remembered that I, without noticing it, try to suppress the thoughts. Then I just let the thoughts to think on.
I suppose that the mind can relax by itself and that it is in the nature of the mind to let the thoughts go. Therefore it should not be necessary to make an effort of relaxing or to try to suppress thoughts to have clarity. But it can be hard to notice when one does this.
Sunday. October 9. 1994. 21.00 > 21.40.
Very restless because of coffee. Were in the beginning in a bad mood, irritated and a little depressed because of practical matters. I went beyond this during the practice; first I tried to hold down thoughts and irritation or to transform it, but it did not help. The transcendence of disturbing emotions and irritation is a question of time; I had to sit for 5 to 10 minutes not doing anything at all, letting the thoughts come and go as they pleased, without judgement. Then it helped, it felt like a lot of tense energy was released. In any case I feel better. I must add that my thoughts did not at anytime disappear, but just stopped running in loops of irritation and so on.
This note describes the release of emotional energy, by allowing it to exist instead of suppressing it just because it belongs under the conceptual category "bad". I will add that these emotions was not let out by any physical actions to blow off steam, but disappeared by being allowed to be without judgement or evaluation.
Wednesday. November 2. 1994. 21.00 > 21.40.
I counted how much time I have spent on practice and it dawned upon me that I am ridiculous. 10 hours and 30 minutes practise in 5 months is not enough. Time is very important to my practice; the more I do it, the easier it becomes. It is like one practice after another, in short time, builds on the preceding one. It is easier then. The longer I sit, the better the practice, the clearer I get. That is, only until I can not sit anymore, of course. To get a good stable practice, where I am not just TRYING something, demands time and experience. This experience is accumulated faster if it is there often. It is no use hardly not to practice and at the same time to imagine that it is developing really well.
This text is a well deserved reprimand to myself and speaks its own bright and clear language. I am lazy and most of it is idle talk and show off. That the next entry is made 2 months later proves this assumption :
Wednesday. January 11. 1995. 14.00 > 14.45.
First practice in a long time. Sat down, let go of my thoughts and observed them. Did not try to achieve anything or to get somewhere else. And nothing happened. My normal everyday mind got a chance to relax, really relax, for the first time in long while. Nothing changes, everything stays the same, the problems are the same. It is like the one having the problems have disappeared for a moment and left an empty space behind.
I will stop with the above note, so that the story has a happy ending.
"I understood that there is a lie about all being and that we are born to protest against it"
- Antonin Artaud.